September 2011
1 post
What? You're still here?
In case you haven’t noticed, I have a life now. No need for this anymore. Take your issues elsewhere. Perhaps here. At the very least, you’ll get a nice song out of it.
May 2011
1 post
5 tags
Not In My Backyard
Q. If squirrels are digging up my seeds and ruining my garden is it wrong to snipe them with a BB gun from my window if I plan to taxidermy them when they are killed?
A. What in the world? If this is how you problem solve, then I’d hate to see how you handle finding a parking space at the mall. There’s no way I can publicly endorse such cruel acts; neither those directed toward the...
April 2011
1 post
3 tags
X Marks The Spot
Q. How do you gracefully decline your boss’s black tie wedding invite - mostly because it’s too expensive to attend?!
A. I’m going to assume this was written by a potential flower girl, because any adult should know how to do this. If it’s a black tie affair, surely it came with a formal invitation with an RSVP card. Go dig it up; I’ll wait.
On that RSVP card,...
March 2011
1 post
4 tags
Easing Off The Brakes
Q. I have gone on four dates with a dude and he has not even remotely attempted to put the moves on me yet. We’ve barely pecked on the lips, and he keeps suggesting dates that cannot easily lead back to one of our apartments. What’s the dillyo?
A. Maybe he’s a Civil War era southern gentlemen vampire who still prefers his anachronistic customs of courting, escorting, and...
February 2011
1 post
3 tags
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
Q. What should I wear when I’m going to a monster truck rally and then the Manhattan Inn? - Miriam
A. A sandwich board that reads “I’m trying too hard to look cool.” You’ve got a 11211 ZIP code, live in a converted warehouse, and work as a designer. We get it, you’re the ne plus ultra of “in”-ness. You really don’t need to go to such lengths...
January 2011
1 post
3 tags
December 2010
9 posts
5 tags
Hi Hater
Q. I hate New Year’s! Hate it. Last year, I had some friends over to combat the hatred, but I can’t rig a balloon drop two years in a row. What are some alternative ways to celebrate New Year’s? I have zero money, hate the cold, and I don’t wanted to get barfed on. I also don’t want to ring in 2011 in a way that makes me contemplate suicide.
A. This better...
8 tags
Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot?
Q. I’m having a big New Year’s party. Two of my friends (Clarice and Hermey) recently had a falling out. Clarice seems fairly mellow about it, but Hermey is rumored to be avoiding any social activities that involve Clarice. Do I have to send Hermey a warning e-mail that Clarice may be in attendance? I’d rather not have tufts of claymation fur strewn around my apartment if a...
4 tags
Xmas with Future Ex-coworkers
Q. Since my supervisor let me use her season tickets for the Eagles last week, I’m officially obligated to get her a gift. Ditto for her colleague, who’s paying for me to come to the holiday luncheon. And as long as I’m faking generosity, I should probably acknowledge the two part-timers in the office too. But I’m a broke grad student, so it’s gotta be on the cheap....
3 tags
Baby Blues
Q. My step-sister recently had a baby (her second one). When she spawned the first one, some family members told me I was being “mean” for refusing to hold Junior/making a big deal about him. I am not a baby person! How can I avoid holding Junior Junior without starting WW3?
A. Unless this was an immaculate conception, you seem to be missing the “holiday” theme I’ve...
3 tags
Personae Non Gratae
Q. Ok so I have another un-invited guest related question. Now during the course of a year my boyfriend and i host a myriad of parties, barbecues, and gatherings in general. For the most part, so long as we can physically accommodate, our philosophy is the more the merrier. However there is this one couple who due to a multitude of social failures (including last year calling me...
5 tags
Bah! Humbug!
Q. I’m hosting my annual Cookie Extravaganza this December. I’m trying to keep the invitation list smaller this year, for the sake of my waistline, but I have some friends that travel in a pack. Like wolves. How obligated am I to invite wolves I only see at other wolf’s events? I don’t have relationships with some of them, but I am bound to get a few emails if so-and-so...
6 tags
No Gag Gifts, No Gift Cards, And Nothing That He's...
Q. Dear YLMT, How does one figure out what level of gift to get a fairly recent but fairly serious boyfriend at Christmas? Sincerely, Terrified
A. Are you asking from which level at the mall to get your gift? There’s usually a map by the entrance for that.
Sorry. Making fun of your phrasing is a gift I give to myself (one that is of the highest order), but is of little use to you. Does...
4 tags
taxidermychurch asked: I'm a lady, so I bring host/hostess gifts to holiday parties (I also RSVP to things, which is the first step on my path to self-congratulation.) What do you recommend for under $20 for 1) foodie friends 2) wild friends and 3) fashion-forward friends?
3 tags
Holiday Help
Can’t figure out how to get out of your family’s xmas gathering?
Need to upstage an ugly holiday sweater party?
Looking for something that’ll help you outdo last year’s New Year’s Eve soiree? (Answer: alcoholic whipped cream)
Still confusing Hanukkah with Kwanzaa?
Well worry not. I’m dedicating the rest of the month to answering your December dilemmas. So...
October 2010
3 posts
6 tags
What a Way to Make a Living
Q. I want to pursue a career in a non conventional environment, i.e., NOT a 9-5 corporate lifestyle. Any suggestions on how to get the ball rolling??
A. Move to New York City. The odds of you landing a 9-5 are slim, and after a few weeks working a fluctuating schedule that orbits around an 8:30-6:30 frame, you’ll be pining for the structure and stability of the conventional variety.
An...
3 tags
Losing the Keys to the Kingdom
Q. I just started a new job and I lost the keys to the office! I threw them in my bag when I left one night last week, and now they are gone… totally vanished! I’m scared to tell my boss since I just started, and she will obvi think I’m irresponsible. Help!
A. Well she’ll think you’re irresponsible because you are irresponsible.* But fret not, there are ways to...
“Remember, there’s no shame in changing your friends, if it makes you look...”
– Words to live by from LC. I’d offer my own words, but I’m currently out of questions. That’s where you come in…
August 2010
7 posts
3 tags
FYI
BTW, I have a more traditional tumblr as well. I tend to post daily(ish) reading assignments/pull quotes, current obsessions and the occasional tip (obviously) as seen below.
(And yes, I really do have this much free time to waste.)
cookiebreak:
When reporting on someone’s suicide, please refrain from using “Unfortunately, [the victim] made other plans” as a transitional phrase. Otherwise,...
5 tags
Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
Q. I am in a long term relationship that has been filled with a lot of fighting over the last six months. I recently met someone new and for the first time in my life I cheated. The real problem is not the actual cheating (it’s not much more than kissing), but that I have developed strong feelings for the guy on the side. Very strong. He feels the same way and wants to be in a relationship...
4 tags
Blue's Back In Black
Q. Dear YLMT,
Thanks for the previous advice. I needed a laugh. And the good news is, I’m through feeling sorry for myself. I’m still kinda bitter about how things went down, but getting dumped will do that to you. (FTR, I’m only bitter about that guy and that relationship, not men/love in general.) So it’s time to get back out there. Right? Or are rebounds ...
3 tags
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
6 tags
Rhetorically Speaking
Q. Why am I not outside??
A. Oh fun, my first rhetorical question! You must not understand how this works.
Considering what little info you provided me, there’s not much advice I can give you beyond “quit your complaining and go outside.” I’ll just expand upon that and wage a couple of guesses, Family Feud style, as to why you’re stuck inside.
We surveyed 100...
3 tags
Coping With The Loss of a "Friend"
Q. What is the appropriate response when you discover that you have been “de-friended” from a social media network? I’m not talking about random people from my dorm floor — but former close friends or family members. I’m not an over-poster, so these people are trying to send me a ”message,” right? It’s happened on two occasions and it is driving...
4 tags
Blue's Pills of Happiness
Q. Hi YLMT, Any advice for a broken heart? I’ve tried giving in to it: crying, moping, eating more than my share of chocolate. I’ve tried moving past it too, working out and going out with friends. But nothing I do helps, and every love song I hear gets me choked up. Worst of all, I can’t get past this nagging hope that maybe, just maybe, he’ll change his mind and come...
July 2010
2 posts
6 tags
Sadface
Q. I’ve been messaging with a guy I recently met, and lately I’ve been wondering if it’s okay to use smiley faces in flirtatious emails. Sometimes I use it to milk the “I’m a cute girl” factor, but is it still okay to do that?
A. If you’re familiar with my thoughts on w00t, you can probably already predict that my answer is an emphatic...
6 tags
Escape from L.A.
Q. When do you know it’s a good time to pack it up and take it home? I hate my job, my relationship will never be anything serious, and the place I am living is hell and I don’t have it in me to sign on to another year in this place. I am considering doing a sublet for the rest of the summer, but then again can I last another LA summer? A. You’ll know that it’s time to...
May 2010
7 posts
3 tags
Quarter-Life Crisis
Q. Dear YLMT, I am a 25-year-old male who is quickly realizing that he is no spring chicken anymore. How much longer can I wear skinny jeans? Can I still stay out until 4 am and wander home inebriated? Is it true that you are only as young as you feel, or am I doomed to die an eccentric he-spinster with a cat?
-Hesitant Hipster
A. Sorry, but what’s the problem here? At 25 fucking years...
4 tags
Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass
Q. Would you ever date a girl who has one ear that is substantially larger than the other?
A. Well no, I don’t date girls, period, in case that wasn’t already clear. And even if I did, I’m vain, so no, probably not. However, if you’ve found this lopsided lady to have a certain je ne sais quoi that rivals her asymmetry, don’t let my shunning of this social pariah...
3 tags
“Remember how I used to answer questions regularly, but then people stopped...”
– Yours Truly
7 tags
Get Up, Get Out, And Get Some
Q. I am a 29-year-old gay man. I came out a year ago but am not having as much luck as I hoped I would in the gay world. Some friends have suggested that my appearance and lifestyle may be to blame. Having been “straight” for so long, the majority of my social crew consists of alpha males and party girls. I dress in a pretty masculine manor and am not the least bit effeminate. Are...
7 tags
Books Are Silent Friends
Q. Have any good summer reading recommendations? -asteriskerin A. So glad you asked. In an alternate universe (sideways LOST universe?) I’d run an independent book store. Unfortunately, in this one, I have bills to pay and a misinterpreted disposition that makes customer service a no-go. None the less, I am a bit of a bookworm (mostly contemporary fiction), so I have a ton of...
4 tags
Living Single?
Q. I think my roommate moved out without telling me. Previously, she has talked about breaking our lease and moving in with her boyfriend, but her parents’ disapproval, combined with my giant guilt trip, seemed to have dissuaded her. And yet over the weekend, her boyfriend was moving apartments, and while I was out, her furniture and half of her clothes disappeared from our place. All signs...
3 tags
Much "I Do" About Nothing
Q. Is it outrageous to go stag to a friend’s wedding if you’ve been offered a plus 1? i’m getting the impression that i’ll look like a loser if i show up without a date. when did weddings become adult prom?
-Christine A. Adult prom is actually what you’d call a 10-year high school reunion. I tend to view weddings as really fancy birthday parties. A quinceañera to the...
April 2010
16 posts
6 tags
Dial P for Paranoia
Q. Recently, my phone was stolen. I know that it was stolen (and not just lost) because whoever has it is using it heavily — using my email address to send YouTube videos, changing my Pandora stations on an almost hourly basis, etc. Of course I’ve changed my passwords to everything, and discontinued phone service, but the dude keeps using it. In case...
4 tags
Killing Me Softly
Q. I am starting to feel guilty about how rarely I check out my friends’ band. I had a life-changing realization at age 22 that I don’t like going to see live music, unless it’s Lady Gaga or a special-effects oriented act. (I’m a visual person/have noise sensitivity from undiagnosed autism.) I go to their gigs every once in a while, because I want to be supportive and...
7 tags
Shine On
Q. I recently got promoted and one of my friends, who isn’t lucking out at her office, is now wildly jealous of my new title and the accompanying pay raise. She is very open about it. She talks about how much it bothers her, and although it is wrapped in a million compliments (“You’re doing so well!”), our friendship is now in a really weird place. At this point,...
2 tags
Back On The Prowl
Q. I am 24 years old, single and starting to feel a little lonely in the relationship area. A lot of my friends are in serious relationships and I recently (well… 9 months ago) got out of a 4 1/2 year relationship. I think I handled it well and am over him, but I seem to be weird or timid about starting anything with someone else. I always find something wrong with them. What Should...
6 tags
Barnes & Ignoble
Q. Are you aware of this book? And if so, why are you not in it?
A. Oh I’m aware. My manager failed to file my submission on time and was subsequently fired (sorry Mom).
But you know what, that’s fine. The authors are self-described as “people who shouldn’t give advice.” But me, I am a proud purveyor of tough love, an engineer of exhortation, and a Gabriel of...
4 tags
If You Have To Cry, Go Outside
Q. I work for a fashion PR company. Our office is in a loft — extremely open. Not only does my boss interject when I’m on the phone (“No! Tell them this!”), she also shushes me if I try to ask her work-related questions when she’s working on projects. (So, yeah, all the time.) Knowing these fun little quirks, I have been trying to avoid these situations by...
7 tags
One Person's Casual Encounter Is Another's Missed...
Q. A few weeks ago, I hooked up with a guy I met on Craigslist (sounds sketchy, I know, but I’ve done this a couple times before with no problems). And though we made it clear from the start that this was a no strings attached deal, he’s been emailing ever since, asking to get together again, go out on a real date, etc. (I made the mistake of not using a fake email, giving him my...
5 tags
Zen Master
Q. I don’t have a good question to ask here. However, I’ve always considered myself to be a curious, inquisitive person. So I ask, what gives?
-Chloe D.
A. You say that like it’s a bad thing. It sounds to me like you’re at peace with the world, have no particular hang ups or debilitating social dysfunctions, and that essentially, you’ve got it all figured...
6 tags
Kill Your Idols
Q. So, my coworker who sits next to me has TERRIBLE taste in music… I’m talking like Sugar Ray / Ben Folds territory. Now, to each his own is my philosophy. However, he’s taken to emailing me YouTube videos of his favorite songs and waiting for my reaction. Do I risk my reputation at the office by pretending to agree with his musical tastes? Or do I tell him how grating it is to...
6 tags
Mazel Tov!
Q. My cousin, who is close in age to me, recently got engaged to a man who is Bad News Bears. I expressed concern when they got back together but she didn’t listen. I don’t want to flip a table at Grandma’s and scream, “Why are you marrying a drug addict with a kid?!” but I don’t want to smile blankly and watch her life go up in flames, either. And, oh,...
4 tags
From Dusk Till Breaking Dawn
Q. A good friend of mine — a grown man, mind you — is a semi-out-of-the-closet Twilight fan. I’ve read about grown women (usually of the cougar variety) who are really into this overwrought tween garbage, but what does this say about a 20-something hipster dude from Brooklyn?
A. Ugh, you watch one and a half movies, and you’re mislabeled for life. What it says about me, I mean...
6 tags
The Bipartisan Approach
Q. I’m a committed liberal and twentysomething gay guy. As you can imagine, I’m not a huge fan of militant conservatives, though I’m friendly with a handful or more moderate Republicans. My good friend has just started dating a hardcore right-wing girl, who lists her Facebook interests as “Glenn Beck” and “Fox News.” We’re all spending this weekend...
6 tags
Surviving a Tongue-Lashing
Q. How do I tell a guy that he uses way too much tongue?
A. Following your next face-to-face encounter with Wet Willy, try: “Dude, this isn’t Wild Water Kingdom, keep the splashing to a minimum.” His feelings will be hurt and he’ll certainly be self-conscious, but that’s precisely where you need him. It’s like they say in the military: you have to tear someone...
5 tags
Eternal Flame
]]>]]> Q. How gay is too gay?
A. Contextually speaking, I suppose you can be “too gay.” Too gay to be a Catholic priest, too gay to get married, too gay to have civil rights in Virginia, or too gay to win an olympic medal in the gayest of winter sports despite having a top notch short program. Some would call this “too gay to function.”
But socially, there’s no...
6 tags
Mother's Nature
Q. Should I be worried that my mom posted this on her Facebook wall?
(OK Go - This Too Shall Pass)
-Miriam A. No, you needn’t be worried. It’s only natural for the olds to want to recapture the vibrancy of their salad days by appropriating the trends of the youth culture. In 2009, Fb’s fastest growing demo was persons over 55. Second to that were pets. So long as...
5 tags
Ignoring Is Bliss
Q. My fiance’s family lives in the city, so we see them pretty often. I get along with all of them great, but his stepmother has an annoying habit: She’s the type of person who’s always fishing for compliments. She constantly makes statements like “I’m so fat!” (she’s not) or “I look like crap!” (she doesn’t) so I can dutifully fawn over...