Baby Blues
Q. My step-sister recently had a baby (her second one). When she spawned the first one, some family members told me I was being “mean” for refusing to hold Junior/making a big deal about him. I am not a baby person! How can I avoid holding Junior Junior without starting WW3?
A. Unless this was an immaculate conception, you seem to be missing the “holiday” theme I’ve been pushing as of late. But no matter, like Pavlov’s dog, those incessant Salvation Army bells have me trained to act a wee bit nicer to the needy (e.g. you) during this time of year.
Your best course of action is plain and simple - lie. Tell your family you think you’re coming down with something and would rather not get Junior Jr. sick. Or, pretend you’re revealing a deep dark secret and convince them that you once dropped a coworker’s child and have been fearful of holding one ever since. If a family member foists it upon you anyway (and yes, I do mean “it”), convolute the lie further by telling them that your shrink says you’re not ready for immersion therapy. If we can’t comfortably lie to the ones we love, then to whom can we lie?
Also, I would be remiss in not correcting your nomenclature for the new baby. If I’m following your family tree correctly, your step-sister already has a child named after it’s father. (We’ll call the father Abraham, and the son Isaac Abraham Jr.). If said step-sister has a second child with Abraham, it would be in everyone’s best interest if they just thought of a new name. But since they decided to go to the George Foreman route, the name would be Abraham III. Acceptable nicknames would be Trip or Trey (or, duh, Abe), but never Junior Junior. Junior Jr. denotes some sort of backwoods inbreeding shenanigans, which is only acceptable in very rare and very wealthy instances.
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