Ignoring Is Bliss
Q. My fiance’s family lives in the city, so we see them pretty often. I get along with all of them great, but his stepmother has an annoying habit: She’s the type of person who’s always fishing for compliments. She constantly makes statements like “I’m so fat!” (she’s not) or “I look like crap!” (she doesn’t) so I can dutifully fawn over her and provide reassurance. I know it’s just because she’s insecure, but frankly, it’s annoying to have to give her an ego boost every five minutes of a conversation. (She also doesn’t seem to do this to her kids, my fiance included, just me.)
If she were a friend of mine, I’d call her out on it, but we’re talking future stepmother-in-law here. How do I get the fishing to stop without being totally rude about it?
- Worst Daughter-In-Law Ever
A. Treat her like every child treats their new step parent: with palpable disdain and irreverence. Throw a tantrum, stomp up the stairs, and cry yourself to sleep. She’s not your real future mother-in-law anyway.
Sorry, I got a little carried away. The adult thing to do is to ignore her. Yes, you read that correctly. The technique is called least reinforcing syndrome (L.R.S.) and is used to train animals. As explained by Amy Sutherland, author of Kicked, Bitten and Scratched: Life Lessons at the Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers, ”the idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior provokes no response, it typically dies away.” Sutherland has even used the approach on her husband with very positive results.
When your fake future MIL casts out her reel in search of compliments, remain calm, hold your tongue, don’t acknowledge her conduct in any way, and carry on with what you were doing. The old “cold shoulder” routine, sans the attitude. She’ll lose interest and move on. I’m willing to bet that the reason she doesn’t do this with her own family is that like all insolent step children, they learned to ignore her years ago.
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