Mazel Tov!
Q. My cousin, who is close in age to me, recently got engaged to a man who is Bad News Bears. I expressed concern when they got back together but she didn’t listen. I don’t want to flip a table at Grandma’s and scream, “Why are you marrying a drug addict with a kid?!” but I don’t want to smile blankly and watch her life go up in flames, either. And, oh, I’m definitely the Maid of Honor for this train wreck. HELP!
A. Bobby Brown found a new girlfriend? Good for him. Not so good for your cousin though. She should’ve learned from the cautionary tale that is Whitney Houston; nothing good can come from marrying that man (except for an amazing reality show).
If she didn’t listen to your earlier pleas to stop the insanity, you’re going to have to try for a less direct approach. I’ve devised a couple courses of action, each of varying degrees of involvement. Take the one(s) you feel most comfortable with.
Level 1: Spend a girls-only weekend together watching a marathon of Lifetime movies about wronged women, rounded out by Whitney’s two-part tell-all interview with Oprah. Better yet, instead of watching the interview, print out the transcript and act out the parts! She’ll be Whitney, obvs.
Level 2: Enroll her and Bobby B. in every imaginable pre-wedding counseling session you can find: religious counseling, couples therapy, Planned Parenthood advising, financial consulting, etc. You should also suggest that she see a lawyer (holla we want prenup!). Tell her the fees will be your gift as MOH (which, if all goes right, will be a role you won’t actually have to fill).
Level 3: Twenty years of watching Law & Order has shown me that most druggies are negligent parents. Snap a couple pics of daddy in a drug-induced coma whilst baby plays with matches and that should do the trick. Who knows, Losing Isaiah may actually straighten him out for good.
Ultimately, deciding whether to go through with the wedding to Bobby B. will be her prerogative (you had to have seen that one coming). If she doesn’t take the hint that this is the wrong thing to do, just get wasted at the reception and deliver a drunken invective against the groom. Nothing says welcome to the family like verbal abuse!
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