Your Life, My Thoughts

Eternal Flame

Q. How gay is too gay?

A. Contextually speaking, I suppose you can be “too gay.”  Too gay to be a Catholic priest, too gay to get married, too gay to have civil rights in Virginia, or too gay to win an olympic medal in the gayest of winter sports despite having a top notch short program.  Some would call this “too gay to function.” 

But socially, there’s no such thing.  Just when you think you’ve reached the upper echelon of flamboyance, you come across something like this, and you realize that there’s a whole new stratosphere of gay that has yet to be tapped.  As time goes by, more moments like that will only erode the boundary between what is and is not perceived as “too gay” and inevitably, questions like this will be made into moot points. 

Mind Over Fatter

Q. I’m trying to lose some winter weight, and money’s too tight for a gym membership.  What are some good ways to dissuade myself from eating?

A. I can relate to your dilemma, anonymous semi-fatty, as there was once a time when I too was unsure of how best to achieve my unhealthy weight goals. But then I enrolled in elementary school, and sure enough, everything I needed to know about being thin, I learned in kindergarden.  To be more specific, I learned it all from an episode of Full House that aired that year.

In this life-altering episode of FH, DJis invited to Kimmy’s pool party and needs to fit into a bikini in a matter of weeks.  Here are the important tips I gleaned from the episode:

• Set unrealistic goals and time constraints for shedding those unsightly lbs. The added pressure really ups your adrenaline, which helps get you through the “no food” days.
• Plaster pictures of models on your fridge to deter snacking.
• Skip the junk food and go for water pops.
• If you have to eat something for sustenance, take a bite from a sandwich, spit it out and feed the rest to your dog. (I like to think of this as portion control.)
• Work out obsessively amongst a group of really pretty people. Since you’re not a member of a gym, go jogging in front of a cancer treatment center.
• Sleep off any dizziness that may occur.
• Brush your teeth frequently. When people ask why you’ve stopped eating, tell them you take oral hygiene very seriously.
• With practice you’ll learn to ignore the cravings for food, just as you’ve ignored everyone’s concern for your well being.

But you don’t have to take my word for it. For evidence of this winning method, look no further than the cast. It’s clear that at least one of the Olsens was soaking in this useful knowledge during filming. Ashley, who grows up to be the fat one, portrays Michelle when she pigs out on wedding cake samples. Mary-Kate, a true thinspiration, opts to do the aerobics scene.  Look how much more successful she turned out to be.

In time, you’ll be as skilled as MK and me, managing to get by on ice cubes and scents. In your moments of weakness when that 10-calorie stick of gum seems to be calling your name, simply remind yourself that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  

Love you to the bone,

yours truly