Your Life, My Thoughts

Hi Hater

Q. I hate New Year’s! Hate it. Last year, I had some friends over to combat the hatred, but I can’t rig a balloon drop two years in a row. What are some alternative ways to celebrate New Year’s? I have zero money, hate the cold, and I don’t wanted to get barfed on. I also don’t want to ring in 2011 in a way that makes me contemplate suicide.

A. This better not be a cry for help. Being tasked with preventing your suicide is above my pay grade.  The best I can offer in that department is a hotline and a reminder that “it gets better.”

[Taps foot impatiently while looking at watchless wrist.] Have things gotten better yet? Great. Moving on.

Are you familiar with the ever so popular pastime known as sleeping? It’s free, relatively temperate and for most people, though not all, it is a vomit-free zone. A good night’s rest will do wonders to mellow out your crankiness. 

If you’d rather be conscious, you could always go the Risky Business route. Not the hiring a prostitute part, (sex workers don’t do freebies my broke friend), but the raiding your liquor cabinet, blasting (bad) music and dancing around in your skivvies part.  Just be sure to mind the floor wax.

Here’s hoping both your temperament and money situation improve in the new year,

yours truly

Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot?

Q. I’m having a big New Year’s party. Two of my friends (Clarice and Hermey) recently had a falling out. Clarice seems fairly mellow about it, but Hermey is rumored to be avoiding any social activities that involve Clarice. Do I have to send Hermey a warning e-mail that Clarice may be in attendance? I’d rather not have tufts of claymation fur strewn around my apartment if a scuffle breaks out.

A. First off, -5 points to you for making me look up these asinine Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toy references.  Secondly, New Year’s Eve celebrations (in NYC at least) have always paled in comparison to the 4th of July because they lack fireworks. So why douse the flame when you have the makings of what could be a very dramatic display?  I say let the sparks fly. If the rumors are true, then you’ll have gotten the new year off with a bang, if not, then you will have celebrated with two of your favorite claymation figures.  Just don’t tell your stuffed animal friends from your weekly tea parties that they weren’t invited.  They might be jealous. 

Xmas with Future Ex-coworkers

Q. Since my supervisor let me use her season tickets for the Eagles last week, I’m officially obligated to get her a gift. Ditto for her colleague, who’s paying for me to come to the holiday luncheon. And as long as I’m faking generosity, I should probably acknowledge the two part-timers in the office too. But I’m a broke grad student, so it’s gotta be on the cheap. FWIW, they’re all women, and all but my 40-ish boss are a step away from (re)retirement.

Grinch-turned-gift-giver

A. Know what I got for Christmas from a coworker this year?  Baked goods. Do you know what I’m advised to no longer eat?  Gluten and dairy. 

 But that’s totally fine. I don’t expect to get world-class gifts from coworkers. No working-class stiff should; certainly not from a grad student.  As long as the recipient can easily pawn it off on someone else, the present itself doesn’t matter. It’s the thought that counts. It’s an honor just to be nominated. I can’t believe it’s not butter. 

With that burden lifted, you can skip over to your nearest strip mall and pick one of the following holiday-themed gifts with your head held high:

1. A holiday sweater from the “returned” aisle at from TJ Maxx 
2. Fruitcake!
3. A VHS copy of Behind the Music: Stevie Nicks  (let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!)
4. A label maker (the gift that keeps on giving)
5. Alvin and the Chipmunks’ “Christmas Don’t Be Late” on vinyl  
6. A hula hoop
7. Old christmas cards repurposed as christmas postcards (hint: cut off the second page)
8. Flu shots
9. Coupons for snow tires
10. Any and everything from the seasonal aisle at the dollar store

P.S. You should really get your supervisor some booze. She’ll need it when the Eagles are in the playoffs. 

Personae Non Gratae

Q. Ok so I have another un-invited guest related question. Now during the course of a year my boyfriend and i host a myriad of parties, barbecues, and gatherings in general. For the most part, so long as we can physically accommodate, our philosophy is the more the merrier. However there is this one couple who due to a multitude of social failures (including last year calling me “chubby” to my face in my own house no less!) we have removed from our guest list. Now they still manage to show up, usually with a few extra folks in tow and rarely contribute. I also pride myself on having good manners and class. What is the most graceful way of saying get the fuck out of my house and never come back you no good mooching sons of bitches?

A.  I was planning to move on to another “hapless during the holidays” topic, but I just can’t resist a question with such focused rage and contempt. 

You know what’s a really classy way of communicating? Greeting cards. Unfortunately, to the best of my knowledge, the banishment category doesn’t exist — yet. But there are ways around that. Head to the “invitation” section of your local stationary store and pick out the most well designed “you’re invited!” card you can find.  After purchasing, take either a red pen or black Sharpie and insert the “un-” prefix into its new home. On the inside, write out the following:

Your absence is cordially requested from
All parties hosted by
Mr. X and Ms. Y

Now and forever
At their apartment

No need to RSVP

They look forward to not seeing you there

Don’t think about it as an excommunication, think of it as an opportunity for these horrible people to go forth and form their own horrible community.  Like Roger Williams.

Bah! Humbug!

Q. I’m hosting my annual Cookie Extravaganza this December. I’m trying to keep the invitation list smaller this year, for the sake of my waistline, but I have some friends that travel in a pack. Like wolves. How obligated am I to invite wolves I only see at other wolf’s events? I don’t have relationships with some of them, but I am bound to get a few emails if so-and-so isn’t invited. How do I handle this pack mentality? I don’t have enough PB blossoms, yo.

A. The Ghost of Christmas Future would solemnly urge you to fulfill your moral obligation and throw these wolves a bone, or face cosmic retribution. He/She/It may even stress that this is a time of charity ( a word meaning “a kindly and lenient attitude toward people” that also happens to be a horrible hillbilly name). Be that as it may, I am a creature of the present, and when it comes to cookies, I’ve always been more of the Scrooge type (at least the pre-paranormal activity version). I side with your reluctance to provide admittance and delicious treats to these party crashers. After all, it is your party at your house, so everyone should play by your rules.

In the event reminder, reiterate that this is an “intimate” gathering of your “closest friends” with whom you want to enjoy a “small” yet festive batch of baked goods. If you can think of other synonyms or want to make use of euphemisms to emphasize the “invite only” component of your party, by all means, do so. That should be enough to hold back the passive aggressive emails. 

No Gag Gifts, No Gift Cards, And Nothing That He’s Supposed To Love Because It’s Charitable

Q. Dear YLMT,

How does one figure out what level of gift to get a fairly recent but fairly serious boyfriend at Christmas?

Sincerely,
Terrified

A. Are you asking from which level at the mall to get your gift? There’s usually a map by the entrance for that. 

Sorry. Making fun of your phrasing is a gift I give to myself (one that is of the highest order), but is of little use to you. Does it really matter from which echelon you choose? To paraphrase the best show that you’re probably not watching: your boyfriend will love it, no matter what — as long as it’s perfect and shows how much you care about him. No added pressure, or anything.

The best way to achieve that is to pick something personal and sentimental within your budget.  So sentimental he’ll be forced to throw it out when should you break up, lest he become awash in memories of you every time he comes across it. As long as you shy away from the kind of gifts you get from distant relatives (cold and impersonal, yet freakishly difficult to return) you’ll be fine. Otherwise, he might as well be kissing his cousin.   

During the vague amount of time that you and your boyfriend have become vaguely serious, he’s probably talked about himself quite a bit and you’ve probably snooped quite a bit. You may even still be in that phase where you partake in some of his hobbies that you couldn’t care less about just because he’s into it.  Take your gift inspiration from these areas.  

Perhaps he has told fond stories of childhood visits to his grandfather’s tile factory before it went under.  Place a few calls to the local historical society and they may be able to dig up some archival photos of the place. Have a copy framed. Then bring him to tears by having the company’s logo printed on one side of a mug, and a photo of your beau and his grandfather on the other side. Screen print the logo on a t-shirt and place it in the mug. Frame, reprint and customized swag: $75.  Seeing a grown man cry: priceless.

Then again, if you find such tearful displays to be a bit too maudlin for your tastes, there are alternatives.  Replacements are always a safe and effective route.  A new pair of bicycle tires, quill and inkwell set, surfing gear, crack vials, what have you. A bit practical, sure, but it’s still personal and shows you’re paying attention to his (bland) interests.

Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? He’s not going to dump you on Christmas.  That’s what Boxing Day is for. 

I fit all three categories, so in exchange for $60 (cash only), I will gladly attend all of your holiday parties with you.  Bringing your hosts a new friend counts as a gift, yes?

If buying a low-to-mid-range escort isn’t your preferred way to spread the holiday cheer, I’ve come up with this list of backup ideas:

No foodie worth their rolls of fat can call themselves such (a ridiculous name) without an appreciation and interest in understanding how their meals make it from the farm to their fork. These gift ideas will expand their culinary knowledge and make them better dinner party conversationalists in the future. 

• In Search of Perfection: Reinventing Kitchen Classics by Heston Blumenthal. This cookbook examines the origins, journey, and cultural history of some of the most well known dishes in British and American cuisine, and then perfects the recipes. Think Alton Brown with a British accent.
• Honorable mention in the “history of” cookbook division: The Geometry of Pasta. It is exactly what it sounds like.
• A year’s membership to the New York City Beekeeper Association. That’s right, bees!!! Give your fattie foodie friends an up-close look at one of the most vital links in our food chain. Through membership at the NYCBA, they can learn the basics of urban beekeeping, host a hive, or simply pay respects to the humble honeybee safely and responsibly.

Your wild friends need just two things, something to make their nights wilder, and something to help them through the aftermath.

• If you act fast, your wild and crazy comrades can get the most coveted item in NYC this holiday season - Four Loko. You might have to check a dozen shady bodegas, or resort to haggling on Craigslist, but with enough time and effort, you can score this most potent of potables.
• For the hangover, try either a McDonald’s gift card (greasy food is a drunk person’s best friend), and/or a few bottles of electrolyte-rich Pedialyte (not just for digestively challenged toddlers anymore). 
• (Honorable mention: contraception and a complementary car ride/metrocard swipe to Planned Parenthood.)

Trying to get a fashion-forward person something they’ll like head on is a daunting task.  Most items are outside of this (ridiculous!) monetary limit, and while fads are cheap, they’ll be out of vogue by spring. So here are some suggestions that get around the high priced/trendy obstacle.

• Let’s face it, nothing would satisfy your fashion-forward friends more than having their picture featured on The Sartorialist. $20 can’t accomplish that, but throw it in with some other key factors and it could bring them closer to that dream. And how’s that, you ask? Well, one of Scott Shuman’s favorite motifs are skinny girls in high heels on vintage-style bikes. Unfortunately, diet books, stilettos, and a Velorbis aren’t in the budget. But you know what is - a bike bell.  When you present your gift, tell them to put on their finest duds and spend a weekday afternoon riding through SoHo and the meatpacking district ringing their bell while keeping their eyes peeled for a short dapper man with a camera around his neck.
• Give someone a camel cape and they’ll be warm for a season, teach them how to make it and they’ll be warm for a lifetime. DIY blogger Erica Domesek can help your fashionable friends achieve that through her book P.S. - I Made This, a compilation of her favorite projects. (an eye-roll inducing title, I know, but her shit’s quality). 
• Consider sprucing up their living spaces with a print from 20x200. The works offered are aesthetically pleasing and in short supply - familiar concepts for this group.

I still think my $60 fee is way easier than having to deal with all of the above, though.

No payment or compensation was accepted in exchange for coverage, though I will gladly consider it in the future. (Hint, hint). Keep the holiday questions rolling in.

Holiday Help

Can’t figure out how to get out of your family’s xmas gathering? 

Need to upstage an ugly holiday sweater party?

Looking for something that’ll help you outdo last year’s New Year’s Eve soiree? (Answer: alcoholic whipped cream)

Still confusing Hanukkah with Kwanzaa? 

Well worry not. I’m dedicating the rest of the month to answering your December dilemmas. So if you’re one of the hapless-during-the-holidays hoi polloi, now’s the time and here’s the place to submit your questions. 

As an added Christmas bonus, responses now come with complimentary gift wrapping. Submit 2 or more questions and shipping is free!