Your Life, My Thoughts

Rhetorically Speaking

Q. Why am I not outside??

A. Oh fun, my first rhetorical question!  You must not understand how this works. 

Considering what little info you provided me,  there’s not much advice I can give you beyond “quit your complaining and go outside.”  I’ll just expand upon that and wage a couple of guesses, Family Feud style, as to why you’re stuck inside. 

We surveyed 100 of my multiple personalities (most of us prefer the term “dissociative identities,” thank you very much) and asked them, “Why are you not outside?”  The top 8 answers on the board are:

8. The DSM-IV classifies you as agoraphobic.
7. You lack the drive and ambition to achieve simple goals. 
6. Inmates in solitary confinement aren’t allowed such privileges.
5. You’re the boy in the bubble.
4. You’re too fat to fit through the door.
3. Your skin turns all sparkly and iridescent in the sunlight, thus exposing you for the the soulless, bloodsucking creature that you really are.
2. You prioritize work over play.
1. There’s a Law & Order marathon on.

Thanks for playing!

From Dusk Till Breaking Dawn

Q. A good friend of mine — a grown man, mind you — is a semi-out-of-the-closet Twilight fan. I’ve read about grown women (usually of the cougar variety) who are really into this overwrought tween garbage, but what does this say about a 20-something hipster dude from Brooklyn?

A. Ugh, you watch one and a half movies, and you’re mislabeled for life.  What it says about me, I mean “him,” is that I “he” enjoys a train wreck as much as the next rubbernecker. Nothing more, nothing less.

P.S. I hate you erin.