Hi Hater
Q. I hate New Year’s! Hate it. Last year, I had some friends over to combat the hatred, but I can’t rig a balloon drop two years in a row. What are some alternative ways to celebrate New Year’s? I have zero money, hate the cold, and I don’t wanted to get barfed on. I also don’t want to ring in 2011 in a way that makes me contemplate suicide.
A. This better not be a cry for help. Being tasked with preventing your suicide is above my pay grade. The best I can offer in that department is a hotline and a reminder that “it gets better.”
[Taps foot impatiently while looking at watchless wrist.] Have things gotten better yet? Great. Moving on.
Are you familiar with the ever so popular pastime known as sleeping? It’s free, relatively temperate and for most people, though not all, it is a vomit-free zone. A good night’s rest will do wonders to mellow out your crankiness.
If you’d rather be conscious, you could always go the Risky Business route. Not the hiring a prostitute part, (sex workers don’t do freebies my broke friend), but the raiding your liquor cabinet, blasting (bad) music and dancing around in your skivvies part. Just be sure to mind the floor wax.
Here’s hoping both your temperament and money situation improve in the new year,
yours truly
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