Your Life, My Thoughts

Mazel Tov!

Q. My cousin, who is close in age to me, recently got engaged to a man who is Bad News Bears. I expressed concern when they got back together but she didn’t listen. I don’t want to flip a table at Grandma’s and scream, “Why are you marrying a drug addict with a kid?!” but I don’t want to smile blankly and watch her life go up in flames, either. And, oh, I’m definitely the Maid of Honor for this train wreck. HELP!

A. Bobby Brown found a new girlfriend? Good for him. Not so good for your cousin though.  She should’ve learned from the cautionary tale that is Whitney Houston; nothing good can come from marrying that man (except for an amazing reality show).  

If she didn’t listen to your earlier pleas to stop the insanity, you’re going to have to try for a less direct approach.  I’ve devised a couple courses of action, each of varying degrees of involvement.  Take the one(s) you feel most comfortable with.

Level 1: Spend a girls-only weekend together watching a marathon of Lifetime movies about wronged women, rounded out by Whitney’s two-part tell-all interview with Oprah.  Better yet, instead of watching the interview, print out the transcript and act out the parts! She’ll be Whitney, obvs. 

Level 2: Enroll her and Bobby B. in every imaginable pre-wedding counseling session you can find: religious counseling, couples therapy, Planned Parenthood advising, financial consulting, etc. You should also suggest that she see a lawyer (holla we want prenup!).  Tell her the fees will be your gift as MOH (which, if all goes right, will be a role you won’t actually have to fill).

Level 3: Twenty years of watching Law & Order has shown me that most druggies are negligent parents.  Snap a couple pics of daddy in a drug-induced coma whilst baby plays with matches and that should do the trick. Who knows, Losing Isaiah may actually straighten him out for good.

Ultimately, deciding whether to go through with the wedding to Bobby B. will be her prerogative (you had to have seen that one coming).  If she doesn’t take the hint that this is the wrong thing to do, just get wasted at the reception and deliver a drunken invective against the groom. Nothing says welcome to the family like verbal abuse!

Surviving a Tongue-Lashing

Q. How do I tell a guy that he uses way too much tongue?

A. Following your next face-to-face encounter with Wet Willy, try: “Dude, this isn’t Wild Water Kingdom, keep the splashing to a minimum.” His feelings will be hurt and he’ll certainly be self-conscious, but that’s precisely where you need him. It’s like they say in the military: you have to tear someone down in order to build them up.  Once that’s out of the way, the fun can begin. Promote yourself to drill sergeant and set about taking W.W. through your own basic training regimen. It’ll be “mission accomplished” in no time.

Mother’s Nature

Q. Should I be worried that my mom posted this on her Facebook wall?

(OK Go - This Too Shall Pass)

-Miriam

A. No, you needn’t be worried.  It’s only natural for the olds to want to recapture the vibrancy of their salad days by appropriating the trends of the youth culture. In 2009, Fb’s fastest growing demo was persons over 55. Second to that were pets.  So long as she’s not posting this crap on your wall, or questioning your taste in facebook friends, there’s no reason for concern. Be happy mama’s sticking to memes and social networking, and not coke and short skirts. 

If you really feel the need to fret over something, you should worry about her taste in music. I mean OK Go? Really?