Your Life, My Thoughts

Quarter-Life Crisis

Q. Dear YLMT, I am a 25-year-old male who is quickly realizing that he is no spring chicken anymore. How much longer can I wear skinny jeans? Can I still stay out until 4 am and wander home inebriated? Is it true that you are only as young as you feel, or am I doomed to die an eccentric he-spinster with a cat?

-Hesitant Hipster

A. Sorry, but what’s the problem here? At 25 fucking years old, you’re not getting too long in the tooth to throw on a pair of skinny jeans. You can wear them as long as it remains socially acceptable, and more importantly, appropriate for your body type. If I can read your credit card number through your back pocket, then it might be time to consider something that doesn’t act as a second skin. 

As for your 4 a.m. exits, next time you’re stumbling out the door, take a look around. Once your eyes have focused, you’ll see a fair amount of people a few years older doing the same thing. Besides, what’s closing time when there are after hours?  Sunrise is the new last call. 

If you’d rather wear high-waisted, wide leg trousers and be in bed by 8, well then bully for you “old man.” Enjoy your early-bird special, I’ll be going to bed. 

Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass

Q.  Would you ever date a girl who has one ear that is substantially larger than the other?

A. Well no, I don’t date girls, period, in case that wasn’t already clear.  And even if I did, I’m vain, so no, probably not. However, if you’ve found this lopsided lady to have a certain je ne sais quoi that rivals her asymmetry, don’t let my shunning of this social pariah hold you back. 

If after a few dates your eyes continue to wander to the sides of her head, then it’s time to pull the classic “buying her a gift that’s really meant for you” card. I’m thinking a set of mismatched earrings, like those rocked by Aretha back in the awesome 80s. One earring will be a smaller, comparatively conservative piece meant for the larger ear, and the other will be a flashier, dangly earring for the proportionally proper side. You’ll get the balancing act you’re after, and she’ll think you’ve an eye for the retro chic look that is alleged to be so hot right now. She’s also apt to see through your ploy, which can beget a whole new set of issues, but in terms of your problem with her ears, my job is done.