Your Life, My Thoughts

No Gag Gifts, No Gift Cards, And Nothing That He’s Supposed To Love Because It’s Charitable

Q. Dear YLMT,

How does one figure out what level of gift to get a fairly recent but fairly serious boyfriend at Christmas?

Sincerely,
Terrified

A. Are you asking from which level at the mall to get your gift? There’s usually a map by the entrance for that. 

Sorry. Making fun of your phrasing is a gift I give to myself (one that is of the highest order), but is of little use to you. Does it really matter from which echelon you choose? To paraphrase the best show that you’re probably not watching: your boyfriend will love it, no matter what — as long as it’s perfect and shows how much you care about him. No added pressure, or anything.

The best way to achieve that is to pick something personal and sentimental within your budget.  So sentimental he’ll be forced to throw it out when should you break up, lest he become awash in memories of you every time he comes across it. As long as you shy away from the kind of gifts you get from distant relatives (cold and impersonal, yet freakishly difficult to return) you’ll be fine. Otherwise, he might as well be kissing his cousin.   

During the vague amount of time that you and your boyfriend have become vaguely serious, he’s probably talked about himself quite a bit and you’ve probably snooped quite a bit. You may even still be in that phase where you partake in some of his hobbies that you couldn’t care less about just because he’s into it.  Take your gift inspiration from these areas.  

Perhaps he has told fond stories of childhood visits to his grandfather’s tile factory before it went under.  Place a few calls to the local historical society and they may be able to dig up some archival photos of the place. Have a copy framed. Then bring him to tears by having the company’s logo printed on one side of a mug, and a photo of your beau and his grandfather on the other side. Screen print the logo on a t-shirt and place it in the mug. Frame, reprint and customized swag: $75.  Seeing a grown man cry: priceless.

Then again, if you find such tearful displays to be a bit too maudlin for your tastes, there are alternatives.  Replacements are always a safe and effective route.  A new pair of bicycle tires, quill and inkwell set, surfing gear, crack vials, what have you. A bit practical, sure, but it’s still personal and shows you’re paying attention to his (bland) interests.

Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? He’s not going to dump you on Christmas.  That’s what Boxing Day is for. 

Shine On

Q. I recently got promoted and one of my friends, who isn’t lucking out at her office, is now wildly jealous of my new title and the accompanying pay raise.  She is very open about it.  She talks about how much it bothers her, and although it is wrapped in a million compliments (“You’re doing so well!”), our friendship is now in a really weird place.  At this point, I’m afraid to share any good news with her as it might push things over the edge. What should I do?  I don’t want to avoid her.

A. As with most things in life, Gossip Girl does a much better job of addressing this issue than I ever could. Last season on the greatest show of our generation, Blair tried to make Serena “less sparkly” (to quote Poppy Lifton) in order to make herself feel less insecure, until S finally addressed the issue in this awesomely bitchy exchange.

While such a confrontational approach is rather unnecessary, the important thing to take away from the episode is that you shouldn’t have to be any less than you are for the sake of a friendship.  Give your friend some time to adjust to your improved luck, and remind her that someday the tables could just as easily turn.  If she still can’t cut the passive-aggressive tendencies, then you may have to cut her loose.

Mazel Tov!

Q. My cousin, who is close in age to me, recently got engaged to a man who is Bad News Bears. I expressed concern when they got back together but she didn’t listen. I don’t want to flip a table at Grandma’s and scream, “Why are you marrying a drug addict with a kid?!” but I don’t want to smile blankly and watch her life go up in flames, either. And, oh, I’m definitely the Maid of Honor for this train wreck. HELP!

A. Bobby Brown found a new girlfriend? Good for him. Not so good for your cousin though.  She should’ve learned from the cautionary tale that is Whitney Houston; nothing good can come from marrying that man (except for an amazing reality show).  

If she didn’t listen to your earlier pleas to stop the insanity, you’re going to have to try for a less direct approach.  I’ve devised a couple courses of action, each of varying degrees of involvement.  Take the one(s) you feel most comfortable with.

Level 1: Spend a girls-only weekend together watching a marathon of Lifetime movies about wronged women, rounded out by Whitney’s two-part tell-all interview with Oprah.  Better yet, instead of watching the interview, print out the transcript and act out the parts! She’ll be Whitney, obvs. 

Level 2: Enroll her and Bobby B. in every imaginable pre-wedding counseling session you can find: religious counseling, couples therapy, Planned Parenthood advising, financial consulting, etc. You should also suggest that she see a lawyer (holla we want prenup!).  Tell her the fees will be your gift as MOH (which, if all goes right, will be a role you won’t actually have to fill).

Level 3: Twenty years of watching Law & Order has shown me that most druggies are negligent parents.  Snap a couple pics of daddy in a drug-induced coma whilst baby plays with matches and that should do the trick. Who knows, Losing Isaiah may actually straighten him out for good.

Ultimately, deciding whether to go through with the wedding to Bobby B. will be her prerogative (you had to have seen that one coming).  If she doesn’t take the hint that this is the wrong thing to do, just get wasted at the reception and deliver a drunken invective against the groom. Nothing says welcome to the family like verbal abuse!

Mind Over Fatter

Q. I’m trying to lose some winter weight, and money’s too tight for a gym membership.  What are some good ways to dissuade myself from eating?

A. I can relate to your dilemma, anonymous semi-fatty, as there was once a time when I too was unsure of how best to achieve my unhealthy weight goals. But then I enrolled in elementary school, and sure enough, everything I needed to know about being thin, I learned in kindergarden.  To be more specific, I learned it all from an episode of Full House that aired that year.

In this life-altering episode of FH, DJis invited to Kimmy’s pool party and needs to fit into a bikini in a matter of weeks.  Here are the important tips I gleaned from the episode:

• Set unrealistic goals and time constraints for shedding those unsightly lbs. The added pressure really ups your adrenaline, which helps get you through the “no food” days.
• Plaster pictures of models on your fridge to deter snacking.
• Skip the junk food and go for water pops.
• If you have to eat something for sustenance, take a bite from a sandwich, spit it out and feed the rest to your dog. (I like to think of this as portion control.)
• Work out obsessively amongst a group of really pretty people. Since you’re not a member of a gym, go jogging in front of a cancer treatment center.
• Sleep off any dizziness that may occur.
• Brush your teeth frequently. When people ask why you’ve stopped eating, tell them you take oral hygiene very seriously.
• With practice you’ll learn to ignore the cravings for food, just as you’ve ignored everyone’s concern for your well being.

But you don’t have to take my word for it. For evidence of this winning method, look no further than the cast. It’s clear that at least one of the Olsens was soaking in this useful knowledge during filming. Ashley, who grows up to be the fat one, portrays Michelle when she pigs out on wedding cake samples. Mary-Kate, a true thinspiration, opts to do the aerobics scene.  Look how much more successful she turned out to be.

In time, you’ll be as skilled as MK and me, managing to get by on ice cubes and scents. In your moments of weakness when that 10-calorie stick of gum seems to be calling your name, simply remind yourself that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  

Love you to the bone,

yours truly