Your Life, My Thoughts

Coping With The Loss of a “Friend”

Q. What is the appropriate response when you discover that you have been “de-friended” from a social media network?  I’m not talking about random people from my dorm floor — but former close friends or family members.  I’m not an over-poster, so these people are trying to send me a ”message,” right?  It’s happened on two occasions and it is driving me crazy.

A. The appropriate responses are shock and disbelief. Followed by denial, righteous indignation, guilt, depression, and finally, acceptance. Once you’ve hit that last stage of grief and have moved past your paranoid idea that they’re sending you a “message,” you’ll be able to process the idea that what seems like an unfathomable affront to you, may have been a casual de-friending for them.  

Let’s be honest, how long did it even take you realize that you had fewer friends, and then to figure out who had gone missing? You probably spent more time tracking down the former friends than you did communicating with them in the past month. People grow apart in real life, so it’s reasonable to expect the same thing to happen online. Sure one of them might be family, but you’re only obligated to love family, not like them. Clearly these were not particularly that great of “friends,” so cut your losses, and enjoy the fact that you no longer have to go through the motion of “liking” their excessive vacation photos and self-agrandizing updates. 

Shine On

Q. I recently got promoted and one of my friends, who isn’t lucking out at her office, is now wildly jealous of my new title and the accompanying pay raise.  She is very open about it.  She talks about how much it bothers her, and although it is wrapped in a million compliments (“You’re doing so well!”), our friendship is now in a really weird place.  At this point, I’m afraid to share any good news with her as it might push things over the edge. What should I do?  I don’t want to avoid her.

A. As with most things in life, Gossip Girl does a much better job of addressing this issue than I ever could. Last season on the greatest show of our generation, Blair tried to make Serena “less sparkly” (to quote Poppy Lifton) in order to make herself feel less insecure, until S finally addressed the issue in this awesomely bitchy exchange.

While such a confrontational approach is rather unnecessary, the important thing to take away from the episode is that you shouldn’t have to be any less than you are for the sake of a friendship.  Give your friend some time to adjust to your improved luck, and remind her that someday the tables could just as easily turn.  If she still can’t cut the passive-aggressive tendencies, then you may have to cut her loose.

From Dusk Till Breaking Dawn

Q. A good friend of mine — a grown man, mind you — is a semi-out-of-the-closet Twilight fan. I’ve read about grown women (usually of the cougar variety) who are really into this overwrought tween garbage, but what does this say about a 20-something hipster dude from Brooklyn?

A. Ugh, you watch one and a half movies, and you’re mislabeled for life.  What it says about me, I mean “him,” is that I “he” enjoys a train wreck as much as the next rubbernecker. Nothing more, nothing less.

P.S. I hate you erin.